The Delilah Diaries: Samson is Dead!

His strength is gone and only his bones remain. They buried him in the spring.

Without flowers, there is no spring.

Without him, there’s only the rain.

He gave me this name when he shared a song.

I’m lost without him.

It all feels wrong and empty.

He was amused by my stories and he’d read them all.

He begged me for help and I let him fall.

Delilah really was Samson’s undoing. She cut his hair and he became nothing.

I could have saved him, I think.

I didn’t have to walk away and let him suffer alone.

Samson didn’t deserve to die. Delilah’s hands are covered in his blood, screaming to God….”why?”

Did you let him in when he came to the gate? Did you push him away like I did? Did you save from the hell he had been living in for years? Did you rescue him and reunite him with his father?

He was broken and alone. He waited and no help came. He wanted to love, but wasn’t given the choice.

Did you cry for his mother? Did you save his soul?

Delilah is broken. She is alone. She needs to believe in something more than what she’s been given.

Advertisements

Bitten

So, I’ve either been bitten by the world’s tiniest vampire or a giant spider. I’m still ruling out a drunk mosquito with really bad aim although my left breast would disagree. I better get a superpower out of this.

 

365 Day Challenge Day 75

July 30

Drawing a blank.

When was the last time you walked away from a discussion, only to think of The Perfect Comeback hours later? Recreate the scene for us, and use your winning line.

Recreate the scene for us, and use your winning line.

I had this conversation with my daughter the other day.  I was remembering my days in middle school. It was pretty bad. I was picked on constantly and I really didn’t want to live. I could never figure out how to ignore the other kids. I tried to pretend I didn’t hear them calling me Rat. I was Hilda, the albino Rat King on steroids.

They threw cheese at me during lunch. One time, they made me a paper crown because you know, King of the Rats and all. I’m still not sure why they thought Rat King instead of Rat Queen? Maybe they thought I wasn’t a girl. Who knows. Teenagers are stupid.

I thought the other day that if I could have embraced the name then I might have been able to turn it around. I could have worn a Minnie Mouse headband every day. I could have found a cheese backpack or purse. I could have taken what they used against me and then they would have lost some of their power over me.

So maybe it took me 20 something years to figure it out. I would love to see if it could have worked.

I remember the day it all ended.

I left Middle School and convinced my parents to send me to a different High School. I wouldn’t have to see them anymore. I went to the mall over the summer and saw one of them working at Dantes Pizza. I was imagining the horrific experience of being offered Cheese Pizza because…Rat King was here.

I walked up to the counter. He looked right at me.

“What can I get you, A?”

He said my name. He knew my actual name. He didn’t call me Rat. It was over. They grew up. Finally.

Real Life via Text Message

Sorry scared.

That this is not real.

Worthwhile

You know me

You’re married, for fucks sake.

I’m not.

You have everything to lose. I don’t. I have lost everything already.

Sorry for the apprehension.

But do you feel me?

No answer?

I wish she was mine. So at least you would have some real tie against me.

But you don’t.

You say I love you. But marry another?

Convenient?

A house together?

What did I expect?

True love? Some Princess Bride shit?

I want the movies but end with reality.

I’m here, you’re there. And nothing is going to change it.

I love you, but you chose.

I never did.

I mean why? After all these years? You find me in Rhode Island?

Why did you call?

Fuck sakes…

You are my light and my darkness.

So end this with the silent treatment cause you are with your husband and I am alone.

Just the way YOU left me.

Not written by me- just posted here by me.

Our Broken Story

Rage.

Not jealousy.

Not pain.

Not distrust.

Just rage.

Everything was punctuated by this emotion that felt like anger, but it was so much stronger and deadlier if left unchecked.

She stood there in the tiny kitchen of her apartment wearing only a shirt while she enthusiastically stirred the batter for a pancake breakfast that would now go uneaten. Blissfully unaware of the battle that she was about to encounter she welcomed his hand touching her shoulder.

He’d seen it from across the room and only moved closer to verify his suspicion. His thoughts were racing. Did he kiss her neck last night? No. The verdict was in. He did not do this. With each thought, each breath, each violently increased heartbeat- the truth was finally clear. Her distance, her aloofness.

“There is a mark on your neck.”

Fear.

Paranoia.

More fear.

Think.

Lie.

“What?! I told you to be careful because the slightest touch causes me to bruise.”

The room started to spin. There was nowhere to run and hide. Her hair was too short to pull over the exposed skin.

Panic.

Questioning, “did that work?”

Lies.

Words were thrown like knives, cutting deep and leaving permanent scars that would be the battle scars of this war.

Fighting.

Always fighting.

Crying.

More lies.

Searching for the reasons and finding none.

No answers.

Only an addiction.

He is her drug.

She is his.

The fight subsides and the pain is pushed down deep, into the darkest part of their souls and they push forward in hopes of finding happiness.

She looks into his eyes and can still see the rage, the pain, the jealousy. She’s killing him and yet, she knows no other way.

He looks at her and tries to find hope in this dismal abyss of hurt and is only comforted by her touch. He’s convinced himself for the moment that she’ll change.

Sadness.

Forgiveness.

Lies.

 

 

Time and Space

She regrets everything and nothing and  like everything in else in her life it creates chaos. No one has been able to make her see that her pain will be her own undoing. Her pain is beauty. She revels in it because it feels artful to surround herself with excessive amounts of passion and raw unadulterated emotion.

His anger feeds her soul;he clings to her for life and for his future. They are built upon madness and joined together by their sins. A strong, but disconcerting union is the foundation in which their house stands. No one understands it, but it is the simplest form of love. They are not as complex as they thought. They simply desire more-more than they currently have and more than they ever had. They just need each other so they can feel alive because when they are apart the space feels like a thousand miles and a universe away.

 

Finding My Ending

I thought all day that if I could just sit down somewhere with a computer I could get everything out of my head and maybe even feel a little better. I finally get my hands on a computer and some not so quiet space, but nothing is coming out. The words have been with me for days. I don’t know why I’m trying to put anything into words. I don’t finish any of it. I just start these chapters to stories that live inside my head, but they sort of die there in between. Maybe they are better off staying inside my head because no one really wants to hear them. Please don’t take this as me fishing for a compliment. I’m not. All I’ve ever wanted was to be able to write stories that people would want to read. I wanted to create characters that people could fall in love with and develop a genuine interest in their lives. I don’t want money or fame. I just want a story that takes on a life of itself. A story that people want to hear what happens next. I want my words to live long past my pathetic life. I want to leave something of myself to be remembered. Sadly, all that will be remembered is the girl who wrote a hundred different beginnings and never found the ending to any of her thoughts.

Endings are my downfall. I don’t have any. My entire life has been beginnings and middles. When something should end, I hold onto it as if the ending of anything in my life will also be the ending of me. I don’t want my existence to end.  I don’t want the memories of me to fade in anyone’s mind. I’m scared that I will become insignificant to those who know me. I fight to stay…always.

I know I should learn to let go. I should walk away from the things that will only cause me pain. I should welcome the silence of some people in my life and start living my life and accepting the choices I’ve made. It’s so hard to let go sometimes. The pain that should have been experienced in the beginning demands to be felt. The tears and the agony should have long ago left, but they linger only because I’m too scared to move forward, to let go.

The past should remain in the past and that which is dead should stay dead.

Gone Fishing

I thought about posting something without even acknowledging the time.  I could have just pretending nothing was out of the ordinary. I had a discussion once a out the lack of movies with little people as the main characters and no one ever acknowledges them as different.  Why is that?  Why don’t we do things like that in an effort to normalize things that typically are perceived as different? I think it makes sense.  Like,  could we just remake movies with little people in the cast.  In some instances it would only increase its success.  Just a thought.

I failed at keeping the fiction relay going.  I’m sorry about that.  Maybe I can post something and we can all just pick up where we left off.  I seem to better when things aren’t said.  When everyone just understands what to do or say next.

In other news,  I bought a house.  I would love to use that as my excuse for being absent,  but I just bought it so my alibi just wouldn’t hold up in court.

No stories have been written.  No books in the making.  Really no words.  There are no words for this.  I wish I could be inspired or work past whatever issues keep holding me back.  It’s like none of the stories can ever come out until I write the one that matters.  Who even knows what that one is.

Oh,  and in other other news.  I was catfished.  But not like the dating catfished.  It was weird. The fish didn’t even buy me dinner first.

The Authors of the Author

image

The words settled on the paper in much the same way that dust seems to settle on the forgotten objects from last week’s cleaning. She breathed a sigh of relief once the thoughts began to flow. It is a curse to be a talented writer, she thought. Each success would be the standard she would hold herself to the next time. She never wanted this to feel like a chore, yet anything worth doing should be at least a little challenging. She always typed her pages. It somehow connected her to her favorite authors; the dying breed of fearless writers who forged their way into the literary world armed with sharp tongues and passionate, emotive ideas. Clicking away at her Underwood typewriter she felt them whisper to her, reaching across boundaries of reality and existence- they created her.

365 Day Challenge Day 74

November 13

Non-regional diction

Write about whatever you’d like, but write using regional slang, your dialect, or in your accent.

Y’all

I’ve never really noticed how it was spelled until just now. I try so hard to avoid it when I speak. It just sneaks into your sentences if you aren’t careful. I hate it. I prefer you guys or you all.

I think people that aren’t from the South have this misconception that we all sound like Jeff Foxworthy or that the girls are all dumb; like Britney Spears. I try to prove people wrong. It’s very frustrating when the entire world makes your state the butt of their jokes.

My fourteen-year-old daughter is almost finished reading Gone With the Wind. I never read the book. I have seen the movie. The point is that we aren’t all like that. We aren’t all rednecks.